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We had a nice long weekend in downtown Chicago. The people were very friendly, and despite the chilly weather and the rain, we managed to do some sightseeing. I really enjoyed meeting many of my husband’s relatives. A wedding is a great reason to celebrate!
Another reason I had for celebrating is that I did not have any chest pain the whole trip. Not on the plane, not during social situations (which is when it usually hits me), and not during any of the many meals we ate. I praise God for that because the previous week I had several days when that afternoon chest pain settled in. Sometimes I have to go to bed, prop myself up on pillows, and get lost in a book before the pain begins to abate. I can only thank the Lord for protecting me from that pain during the trip.
My husband and daughter went up to the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower (now called the Willis Building). They stood on a glass observation deck 103 stories above the earth, and while my daughter giggled and loved the giddy experience, my husband felt, for the first time, a twinge of panic. He told me last night that he now has perhaps a little inkling of what it is that I go through. I went to a before-the-wedding party on the 44th floor of the hotel and gritted my teeth the entire time. The super fast elevator messed with my inner ear and made me dizzy…but I did not let that fear conquer me. He was proud of me. I was glad the Lord gave me a strong man whose hand in mine gives me courage I didn’t know I possessed.
Before I met my husband, I did not take elevators. Ever. Seriously — I walked ten flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator. So…taking an elevator up to the very top of the hotel was a huge accomplishment for me. Growth is a good thing even when it comes hand in hand with growing pains.
I know those God-colored glasses are around here somewhere…
I had a call today from the oncology nurse. The CT scan showed “borderline enlarged” supraclavical lymph nodes. The doctor wants me to have a repeat chest CT scan in 3 months to see if there has been any change in their sizes.
I very politely and sweetly spoke with the nurse, but the moment I hung up the phone, I fell apart. I cried buckets of tears…called my husband. Called my mother-in-law. Cried some more.
Not another CT scan! I lost four pounds in one day the last time I had to endure the xray tube. The anxiety is just too much to handle, and I feel bruised and broken all over.
Then I came across a mommy devotion by Lisa Welchel. The title? ”Where is God in all of this?”
Lisa quotes a devotion from Oswald Chambers:
Behold, He cometh with clouds. -Revelation 1:7
In the Bible clouds are always connected with God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings or providences, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith.
Cloudy is an apt description of the state of my thoughts and my faith. I do take comfort, though, in knowing that hidden within those clouds is a rainbow.
Again, I need special glasses to see it.
Until then, a song keeps running through my head. I share it with you here:
Saying “Blessed be the name of the LORD,” while walking in the wilderness, is a CHOICE. It is not easy, especially for someone like me who likes very much to be in control, to let go. To bless the name of the Lord…because…
- HE is holy
- HE is the light
- HE is my Creator
- HE is my Salvation
- HE is my hope
- HE is my strength
- HE includes me in his family
- HE collects all my tears in a bottle
- HE cares for me
- HE knows me…and loves me anyway.
So I will praise Him through these clouds until I catch a glimpse of the rainbows hidden inside.
Today’s blog is a confession. I have been battling writer’s block. Carpal tunnel is making my writing jaunts fewer and far between, but I compose blogs in my head all day long! I read something in the newspaper….or hear something in a sermon….or read something in the Bible…or observe something beautiful and want to share it. But then when I sit down to write, all words stop. I think this has a lot to do with the state of my relationship with my God. You see, I am walking in the desert place. I have unresolved health issues and am striving with a medical culture that thinks nothing of over-testing and under-reporting and that places no credence of the Power and Reality of God. I have real struggles with phobias that pull me down in the quagmire, leaving me physically exhausted and emotionally drained. My Bible reading seems forced. My worship — which used to be bubbly and joyful with outstretched arms — now feels subdued.
Today’s sermon, in part, dealt with having joy in all circumstances.
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, Rejoice. (Phil 4:4)
I think the preposition “in the Lord” must be the key to being able to have joy while walking through the wilderness. 
Truthfully, as I sit and write here today, there is no joy in me. Joy is not to be mistaken with happiness. Happiness is fleeting — but joy is much bigger. It is a framework through which we can look at life…like God-colored glasses. When I am trudging through this desert, how do I perceive the sand swirling around me?
Have I been blinded? Or do I use my God-colored glasses to see the true reality in the spiritual realm — that the Lord himself is watching over me?
I sobbed my way through the song Amazing Love today because I really can’t get my mind around the fact that God wants me.
Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King would die for me? Amazing love, I know it’s true…and it’s my joy to honor you…
The Lord redeemed me…so why do I still feel like damaged goods? Why do I feel worthless and unlovable?
Cause I took off my God-colored glasses and have been wallowing in the sand, that’s why!
A joyful response to the desert in my spiritual life would be…what? To keep walking. To stand firm. To refuse to allow the enemy to convince me that I am beyond saving and worthless. To focus my inward eyes on the Lord who takes me by the hand and guides me, trusting that these words still hold true, over 2000 years since they were first written:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4)
Now if only I could remember where I put those glasses….
I went in today for a CT Scan. For most people, such a test would be no big deal. Just drink the stuff they give you, present your arm for the IV, and wham bam get the scans done and leave.
I wish with all my strength that I could have been such a person.
Instead, I battled Fear. I went in unprepared spiritually for such a battle. Oh, I’d read my scriptures this morning, but that old Anxiety monster reared its ugly head. Seven hours later, I’m still feeling the effects of the panic attack.
The first battle was trying to drink the “dye.” It was flavored like lemonade, but I had an empty stomach (I’d been fasting) and I have never been able to “gulp” down any drink. Too afraid it would come back up! So I sat and sipped a miniscule amount.
The next battle was deciding to let the technician put the contrast agent in my IV. I was shaking uncontrollably at this point. He rattled off sensations I might feel, and I panicked when he said I’d have a metallic taste in my mouth. There’s a backstory to this one — way back when I was pregnant with my second baby who is now in heaven, the doctors treated me with all kinds of meds to try to get the nausea at bay. One of the meds gave me a metallic taste in my mouth just prior to an attack of nausea. Maybe that’s why I was so stricken. I’m not sure. I can’t explain it.
I started to cry and told him I couldn’t do it. After a few false starts, I thought of my daughter and went ahead with the procedure.
I’ve been emotional ever since. Tears of disappointment in myself. I just about fell apart in that radiation room, and I am not even facing the same things the other patients there are probably facing! Where was my faith? It was gone. I was in the boat in the middle of the storm, terrified of the wind. The Lord was right there but still I cried and trembled and wished desperately that I could control these panic reactions. I did not feel his presence with me in that room. I wish I could say that I did.
I feel His presence now. I know he never left me. And ultimately it was HIS strength that got me to go through with it at all, because I was a millisecond away from jumping off the table.
I came across another familiar verse yesterday that is sticking with me for some reason. Jesus quoted the scripture about the cornerstone in Luke 20:
The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone
Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.”
I used to pass over that verse thinking that it didn’t apply to me, but now I’m not so sure. I looked up the Greek word for “falls” — and one of its meanings is to fall prostrate before someone. Perhaps it means that those of us who follow Jesus, who fall at his feet, are the ones who will be broken to pieces. Perhaps we have to be broken to pieces so He can remake us again.
If that’s the case, he has a regular Humpty Dumpty on his hands with me today, because I feel broken and bruised, physically (from the anxiety attack earlier — sore neck, weak, shaky legs, extreme fatigue) and emotionally (why didn’t I feel Him?)
Fortunately, the fact that I didn’t perceive Him is irrelevant. He was there. My King WILL put me back together again. Someday.
We are a people of words. Words permeate everything we do — even our thoughts are framed in words. Because we are created in God’s image, and because he chose to give us a written guide beginning with the 10 Commandments, I think words matter to God. In fact, I know words matter to him. Jesus said, in Luke 6,
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
Anxiety is a thorn I deal with on a daily basis. Usually I’m able to push it aside, but sometimes it takes root, and then panic sets in. The other day my husband and daughter started talking about a trip to Italy that they are planning next spring, and they both pleaded with me to go with them. The mere thought of flying (across the ocean!) and being in unfamiliar places where the language is unfamiliar and the food is unfamiliar and the water will likely make me sick….I shudder just to think of it. Most of you probably laugh at these fears or imagine that they are easily surmountable. I wish that was the case, with all my heart. Instead, my body started in with a full blown panic attack — a squeezing, heavy pain settled in my chest, my heart began to race, and I started trembling from head to toe. Just from thinking about it! Even now as I write these words my body betrays me, and the only way I fight back the panic is assuring myself that I will not be going with them this time.
The guilt I feel about not being able to experience life fully with my family because of my anxieties is tremendous. When an attack hits, I’m usually very down on myself and spiral into depression: I hate this aspect of my personality and wish I could cut it off like Jesus said to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin. I’ve been struggling for awhile, wondering if this anxiety is, in and of itself, a sin. But, thanks to the prayers of my friends who know this about me and to the God who created me and gave me Romans 8:38-39, I’ve had a breakthrough!
Romans 8:38-39, NIV
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
These verses have always been a comfort to me. Yet lately I have been worried that my worries are sinful — afraid that this anxiety I experience, this inability to let go and trust God to such an extent that the panic attacks go away, is sin in and of itself.
But God in His great love showed me Romans 8:38-39 in a different light today — one that makes my spirit sing! There is hope for me yet!
Romans 8:38-39, New Living Translation
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[o] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
In black and white, I learn from these verses that my fears and worries do NOT have the power to separate me from the love of God that is revealed in Christ.
Taking it deeper, I looked up the Greek words in this verse and came upon another treasure:
The phrase “fears for today” is encompassed in the Greek word enistemi. It means “to place in or among; to impend or threaten; or to be close at hand.” I am very acquainted with feeling like the present circumstances are threatening, even when clearly they are not. The phrase “worries about tomorrow” comes from the Greek word mello, which literally means “about to be suffering something.” I am very up close and comfortable with this fear of things to come. It’s almost as if this verse was written For. Me.
God never leaves me, does he? Not when I am feeling fears for today nor worries for tomorrow — these anxieties are not sins. Rather, they are indicators of my need for Him and for His covering, and according to these verses, they can’t take me away from my God.
My mom used to joke about me — that I get afraid over being afraid. And that’s the truth (she knows me well)! But these verses give me one less thing to worry about. My heart may be overflowing with anxieties…but at least “fear of being separated from God’s love because of them” is no longer among them!
With a title like EverFaith, one might get the impression that I am faithful always. But this is an electronic journal, of sorts, and I wouldn’t be honest if I only posted those th0ughts which were faithful and righteous. That would be a lie — because I am not always faithful, and I am certainly not always righteous.
I’m up against a brick wall these days. I am being pressed and am under some sort of spiritual attack, if my feelings are any indicator of such things. Several months ago, I felt a call to become a director of a local Classical Conversations community. Stepping out into this role was an act of faith: I know nothing about running a business, much less running one successfully. I am surrounded by women who have been homeschooling ever since homeschooling was illegal in Texas (years and years), and who have the benefit of having schooled multiple children. Here I am, a woman with three years of homeschooling experience with just one child, setting out on a journey to direct the education of a community of moms and kids. My husband supports me, but I found out today that my daughter does not.
I don’t think God called you to do this,”
she told me this morning while we were snuggling on the couch.
If he had, why are you so stressed out all the time? You are a stay-at-home mom, not a business mom.”
Immediately my voice rang out like a whip as I reprimanded her (for speaking her mind?) and ordered her to go upstairs. Then I retreated into my bedroom and closed — and locked — the door. Next, I threw all the clothes out of my dresser in a frenzied effort to reclaim some semblance of order to the chaos (a task I’ve been putting off for months!), and my mind began exploring those God has called in the past who were unlikely leaders.
- Moses — called to speak to Pharaoh even though he had a speaking impediment.
- David — just a boy, called to defeat the nine foot Goliath
- Mary — just a girl, called to be the mother of God’s own son
- Rahab — a prostitute, called to protect the spies
But I’m beginning to doubt whether I could possibly be in the ranks among them. There is no way. I look at my soul, and I despair that God could possibly love a wretch like me. I am riddled with fear and anxiety. My husband is planning another overseas trip for the family, and once again, I am too anxious to go or to even think about going. I lose my temper and my tongue says ugly things to those I love. My life is consumed with staying in control: of myself, of my child’s education, of keeping out germs, even of my dog. Yet I am not in control. God is. And I can just see him shaking his head in despair over the ruined vessel I am.
How can I possibly lead a homeschool community when I am paralyzed with anxiety about stomach bugs? When the act of hosting an info meeting wipes me out for two days afterward? When the temptation to take things personally lays my heart out to bleed and brings on discouragement? The only thing I have going for me is the passion He has given me for classical education and the model Classical Conversations provides…and that passion is slowly deflating as the enemy lobs painful jabs that come at me from unexpected places. Like my daughter.
How do you know it was the LORD telling you to do CC, mom? How do you know this is right for our family?
she asked me today. I told her it was a feeling I had in my heart that came from the Holy Spirit. Or so I thought. Now I’m starting to doubt. Did I delude myself into thinking this was the right path in some twisted way to gain some secret fame? Did I become a director in order to “lord it over” others, to be in control?
Control is appealing to someone like me, but I think I did it because I believed in my heart that it was what God wanted of me. But what if I was wrong? What if I deluded myself into thinking it was what God wanted when what it really was, was me wanting to assert this program for my child without having to drive halfway across town? What if this is the wrong path for me?
I have given my requests to the Lord. He knows what my community needs (child care, more families, etc). But he operates on his own timeline…not mine. Obviously. Since I still don’t have someone available to provide childcare for our youngest children. Since two families who were interested backed out. I know He knows what is best. Telling my mind that is easy. Believing it isn’t.
I told my daughter that if I am even remotely successful at this, it will be proof of God working through me. Because there is no way I am adequate standing on my own. My faith reserves are low. My passion is deflating. I am tired and emotional, prone to tears at any moment. A doctor would probably prescribe anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drugs to try to fix the mess in my head. But…here’s the rub….I am too anxious about medications to take anything! Seriously! I am severely deficient in Vitamin D and was prescribed some horsepills to take. But I won’t do it. Why? Because I don’t want an upset stomach. I am a basket case.
Oh, if He would just show me what He wants from me!
I did not find relief from my daily Bible reading. In 2Samuel, I read about David having a hard time forgiving his one son for killing the other (took him over 2 years to do so). In Jeremiah, I read about God’s people turning their backs on Him over and over again (such a depressing book in the Bible). And then in Romans 2, I read this:
Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? But because you are stubborn and refuse to turn from your sin, you are storing up terrible punishment for yourself. For a day of anger is coming, when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed. He will judge everyone according to what they have done.
Is His kindness intended to turn me away from anxiety? How do I turn myself away from myself? Is it stubborness that prevents me from going overseas with my family? My own mother admits (from personal experience with me) that for me to go with them would be for EVERYONE to have a terrible time because my anxiety is that extreme. Is anxiety a sin? That’s fodder for a whole series of posts. Maybe coming soon, if I can bring myself to write them.
This is a photo of my hand during a Raynaud’s attack. The capillaries collapse and restrict blood flow. Some nerves in that middle finger have been damaged from blood loss, but now that I know what this is, I can take precautions in cold or chilly weather.
Since that time, my whole hands have become white like that one finger. It is incredibly painful and is next to impossible to use my hands for anything; I lose my grip on the car keys and drop them. I have trouble curling my fingers around the steering wheel. Now that I drive a car with “bun warmers,” I frequently crank them up to high and sit on my hands for awhile until they warm up and blood flow is restored.
It feels strange to blog about the cold when it is currently 104 degrees outside my window. But this phenomenon has sent me on a medical journey that is twisting in strange and convoluted ways! I have to blog about these recent happenings so I can refocus my thoughts on Christ, let the peace of God guard my heart and my mind, and dwell on Him who is holy. He who is in me is greater than He who is in the world!
Raynaud’s is an auto-immune disease with no known cause. It can be hereditary or it can arise on its own. I took the photo of my hand and took it to my doctor three years ago because the pain was intense and I had lost some feeling in the tip of my finger. The doctor loved my photo and asked if he could show it to the staff because he said it was a “classic” example of Raynaud’s phenomenon. Then he referred me to a rheumatologist in order to rule out any additional auto-immune diseases. Raynaud’s is sometimes a precursor to a slew of connective tissue diseases, such as Lupus, Scleroderma, etc. Many times it simply exists on its own. Not everyone who has Raynaud’s has Lupus, but 90% of those who have Lupus also have Raynaud’s.
A year and a half ago I had the first round of annual blood work to check for inflammation and other signs of Lupus. The only abnormal finding was the presence of anticardiolipin antibodies. The human body naturally produces cardiolipin, which is a molecule found in the blood that regulates blood clotting. Sometimes the body thinks cardiolipin is an intruder and forms antibodies against it; this can create a propensity for blood clots and lead to recurrent miscarriages or infertility.
Some of you may remember me blogging about pain in my hand. It has continued to “flare” on and off, although the pain has not returned to such severe levels. There is still some swelling in the tissues surrounding my thumb on the top of my hand, but I show no signs of joint problems. It’s a mystery! And it’s also a possible indicator of yet another autoimmune problem.
My rheumatologist left his practice, so I had to start all over with a new doctor who I visited last week. This man puts the word “thorough” in the dictionary. He wanted to know
about every little symptom and had me assign a number to describe the severity of each. He wanted to know about when these symptoms started (10 years ago? 20?) and how long they last. He ordered a slew of blood tests (can you say 10 vials?). He also sent me on another journey that raised my anxiety level up a notch: to the cardiologist. I had to check “yes” in the box next to the symptom “experienced chest pain.” My panic attacks frequently are accompanied by an extreme pain in my chest; it’s a pressure pain that makes it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Which is a classic sign of a heart attack. So, the doctor wanted me evaluated by a heart specialist, and, since our deductible has been met this year, off to the cardiologist I went.
I have just returned from my first visit with probably the best doctor I have ever encountered. I noticed on a plaque on the wall that he was the president of the staff during the 1980s and again in the 1990s. It’s no wonder. I guess it is a good thing that a heart doctor would have a gentle demeanor! Can you imagine one who barked at you like Hitler? Overall the visit was reassuring. I have none of the “heart disease” markers. I am underweight, not overweight. My blood pressure is on the low side. But there is a rare autoimmune disease which can affect the arteries that go to the heart. His instinct is that I am fine and that the chest pain I experience is related to my muscles in the chest wall contracting in a panic episode. However, he wants to rule out any heart involvement. He wants to prove that it is not my heart causing my pain, and he wants to make sure that there is no scarring on my arteries or my heart, which could happen if they have been collapsing at the same time the capillaries in my hands have been collapsing. Again, this would be a very rare thing to happen.
So…the bottom line is I go next week for an echocardiogram, which is a sonogram of my heart. I will also take home an “event monitor” to attach to my chest when I am in the throes of another attack of chest pain. The monitor will show whether or not my heart is involved in the pain.
I’m still sorting out how I feel about all this. Glad, because there has always been a little worry in the back of my head every time I get an intense attack of chest pain that it might be my heart. At least this way, I’ll know for sure. Relieved, because this doctor is a man of God. He is Jewish and a published author and speaker on healing — and my spirit instantly told me that this man does put God first. God has his finger on the “hold” button, waiting for his preordained number of Gentiles to come to him (see Daniel), and then he’ll soften the hearts and open the eyes of His people…including this doctor. Wow.
I also feel some worry. All these autoimmune things are distracting. It will feel good to have all the results back, no matter what they may be. The Lord is going to keep me here until he needs me with him. He is the great Healer and can, with a blink of an eye, restore all my blood and antibodies and heart and muscles and capillaries to good condition. Yet if he chooses not to, then I will glorify Him through my journey. He is God. I am not. He created me, and one day I will leave this body for a perfect one….one that does not have autoimmune diseases. In the meantime, I can continue to do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Knowing that I am having an echocardiogram makes me take in this verse a little differently:
7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7
He’s got my innards covered!
Today I had one of those “Huh?” moments while reading about the events leading up to the crowning of Israel’s first king, Saul. God’s people grumbled and complained and kept begging for a king, so God finally said, “Okay.” It reminds me of the times that my dad gave in and let me have my way. If I had a fit, his answer was always no. But I quickly learned that if I gracefully accepted his initial “No,” he usually relented later and would agree to let me do whatever it was that I had asked. To this day, I can see him stand in my doorway, arms crossed and head tilted to the side as he sighed deeply and said,
You can do (whatever)…against my better judgment.”
So even though God knows that a king is NOT what is best for Israel, he’s giving in and letting them have one. He chose a man who stood head and shoulders above the rest. Saul was merely going about his business, looking high and low for his father’s lost donkeys, when Samuel the prophet befriended him and honored him at a huge feast. Can you imagine the bewilderment Saul must have felt upon hearing these words:
Then Samuel took a flask of oil and poured it on Saul’s head and kissed him, saying, “Has not the LORD anointed you leader over his inheritance? (from 1 Samuel 10)
Samuel then went on to tell Saul a few prophesies. First, he said that Saul would meet two men near Rachel’s tomb who would tell him that his father’s donkeys had been found. (Remember…we’re going from found donkeys to ruler of Israel, literally overnight!) Then Samuel told him that as he went on his way, he’d meet up with three men. One would be carrying three young goats, one would be carrying three loaves of bread, and another would carry a flask of wine. Samuel told him to accept the bread they would offer him. Finally, Samuel predicted that Saul would come upon prophets and that he himself would become a changed person and would begin prophesying. He instructed Saul to go ahead of him to Gilgal and to do whatever the Lord led him to do.
So Saul went on his way, and, I’m sure to his utter amazement, everything happened the way Samuel said it would happen. When he met with the prophets, the Bible says:
As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul’s heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day. When they arrived at Gibeah, a procession of prophets met him; the Spirit of God came upon him in power, and he joined in their prophesying.
Saul saw his uncle shortly after this, but he did not say anything about what had happened. Maybe his mind was whirling. Maybe God stilled his lips so that he would not say. When Samuel arrived, he assembled the Israelites by tribes and clans in order to select a king (against God’s better judgment). The tribe of Benjamin was selected…and then the clan of Matri.
What happened next is when I hit the Huh? factor in this story.
Finally Saul son of Kish was chosen. But when they looked for him, he was not to be found. So they inquired further of the LORD, “Has the man come here yet?”
And the LORD said, “Yes, he has hidden himself among the baggage.”
Huh?
Saul, the chosen one, the one who had already been anointed, who had already had the Spirit of God come upon him, who had already prophesied, the one who stood head and shoulders above everyone else, went into hiding! He was afraid!
There are times that I despise myself when my fears strangle me. How is it that one such as me, one who has been saved by grace and is a daughter of the king, could still be shackled with panic and fear? I never realized until today that Saul was just like me in that regard. There have been times that I have wanted to crawl into bed and hide under the covers because I was afraid. I have always felt so weak and…damaged…because of my phobic tendencies. But this passage gives me hope! Everyone faces fears and hides away for a time. Even kings. Even moms.
I recently became the director of a local Classical Conversations group. CC is a homeschooling model and method and functions like a co-op, only with more academics and a focus on the classical model of education (about which I’ll be writing much more later when I have had time to assimilate!) I attended a three-day seminar and training last week and found myself feeling a little like Saul.
What on earth have I taken on? Is the Lord SURE I am the one for this position? Me? The one who is phobic and anxiety-prone? The one who knew absolutely nothing about classical education until about six months ago and is now totally passionate about it? I had a mini-panic attack at the end of the second day that woke me up from sleep.
But now I am reminded of Saul, and of David, and of all those Biblical examples of flawed people working out their faith in real ways. Sometimes they ran away before they got it right. Sometimes they hid. Now I don’t feel so bad about covering up with a blanket and hiding in a book for half the night. Saul’s anxiety must have been sky high, to go from donkey-searcher-outer to king! Kinda makes my anxiety about going from homeschool mom to CC director pale in comparison…and I’m realizing that it’s not necessarily wimpy to hide for a little while. God knows where I am, and, like he did with Saul, he’ll direct others to drag me out when it’s time for me to do the tasks he’s set before me.
Psalm 148
Praise the Lord !
Praise the Lord from the heavens!
Praise him from the skies!
2 Praise him, all his angels!
Praise him, all the armies of heaven!
3 Praise him, sun and moon!
Praise him, all you twinkling stars!
4 Praise him, skies above!
Praise him, vapors high above the clouds!
5 Let every created thing give praise to the Lord ,
for he issued his command, and they came into being.
6 He set them in place forever and ever.
His decree will never be revoked.
7 Praise the Lord from the earth,
you creatures of the ocean depths,
8 fire and hail, snow and clouds,s
wind and weather that obey him,
9 mountains and all hills,
fruit trees and all cedars,
10 wild animals and all livestock,
small scurrying animals and birds,
11 kings of the earth and all people,
rulers and judges of the earth,
12 young men and young women,
old men and children.
13 Let them all praise the name of the Lord .
For his name is very great;
his glory towers over the earth and heaven!
14 He has made his people strong,
honoring his faithful ones—
the people of Israel who are close to him.
Praise the Lord !
What more can I say? Our vacation was glorious. If there had been a way to consume the tropical, flowery scents around us, I would have eaten until I burst. As it was, I stood on the shore, taking in the majestic scene as far as my eye could see, and I shivered with awe. It was our last evening, and I expected that I would feel sad about leaving. Instead, I told my daughter that this was one of those moments that we try to take a picture with our hearts. I will engrave that sunset on my memory — may it ever serve as a reminder of the glory, majesty, creativity and splendor of the Creator!
Yet….
Every single day in that paradise had storms. Tropical raindrops are bigger and wetter than the ones that usually fall on us in North Texas. Even the rain smells like salt. Salt water is corrosive, and residents must be very vigilant to keep rust at bay. Everywhere on the carefully maintained resort was evidence of past furies; Hurricane Charley devastated the region in 2004 with such force that the shape of the coast itself changed, and a new island was born. The peaceful lushness of the island is bought with a price.
Just as my peace with our Lord was bought with a price.
To experience myself the way God made me to be, I must also endure storms that make my legs grow heavy and whip my hair into my eyes so that I cannot see clearly. Then, at those moments of helplessness, I find that the Lord is right there leading me through. He does not shield me from the furies of the world, but He never leaves me alone.
I was highly anxious about making this trip. Planes are not my favorite modes of transportation. I was so weary from the noise of travel that I wished my husband would turn off the radio once we got into a car. I craved silence. Instead I got the heavy pounding of fat raindrops on the roof. We traveled through such a heavy wall of rain that light literally could not penetrate. There were islands just offshore that our eyes could not see due to the rain. My eyes traveled the horizon, looking for waterspouts and other such anxious monsters. But we persevered. My husband kept driving. We kept trusting. And the reward we received was this:
Whatever storm may be pounding you, rest assured that it will pass by. I’m left with a peaceful realization that the storms the Lord is allowing in my life are shaping me, just as Hurricane Charlie shaped the coastline of Captiva. To my Creator I am an expanse of sand just waiting to be made into something that glorifies Him.
We are leaving for vacation in a few days. Aside from the usual anxiety over the airplane ride, I am tasting tiny tidbits of bittersweet fruit. My daughter’s “only child” status has never seriously bothered her….until the last few months or so. We tried to find a homeschool friend to go with us, but at her age, most parents aren’t too keen on their kids flying halfway across the country with people who aren’t family. I don’t blame them; I wouldn’t let my child go on vacation with someone else, either! But, for her sake, we asked three friends. The answer for each one was no.
Then the day before yesterday I overheard her telling a younger friend that since no other children could come with her, she’s going to take a “fairy friend.” My heart shattered; its pieces clattered around and around in a swirling mess. I blame myself for the fact that she has no sister or brother. As many times as I remind myself that the LORD is in control, I shovel hot coals on my head and still shoulder the blame, playing the IF ONLY game. IF ONLY I wasn’t so afraid of throwing up, I would have eaten more and stayed hydrated. IF ONLY I didn’t have intense panic attacks, I would have tried again. Two episodes of intense nausea and marathon panic attacks that ended up in nightmarishly painful miscarriages were as much as I thought I could handle. But what if God wanted me to try again? What if I have denied Him the chance to work another miracle in me because I gave in to the fear?
I wonder if I will ever get over this anxiety affliction or if it will be to me a thorn in my side. I don’t know what purpose God had in taking my babies, and it is so difficult to let it go. Most of the time I don’t dwell on it. But today…thinking about my ten-year-old inventing an imaginary playmate because she doesn’t have a sibling to share in the joy….
And now…for something completely different….
This is a photo of an ovarian cyst. It’s not mine, but it is exactly like the image I saw today while lying sprawled quite uncomfortably on the examination table. I have been having cramps pretty much all the time and passed it off as anxiety, but then some abnormal bleeding showed up. So I went to the doctor. I nearly came up off the table during the very embarrassing exam because the pain was so severe.
The sonogram showed that my cyst is filled with fluid. It has no blood flow.
There is no treatment at the stage in the game unless it does not go away on its own or gets significantly larger. I have to say, it is disconcerting to walk around knowing I have a 4-cm balloon on the side of my ovary that could rupture (causing severe pain) at any moment. But it is also comforting to know that I am in the LORD’s hands. My doctor is a good one. I guess I can look at this as an opportunity for the Lord to heal me spontaneously of the cyst and the associated pain and bleeding. Like the woman with the 12-year bleeding disorder, if I could just touch His robe!
For a moment there, lying on the sonogram table wondering about this sudden change in my health, I got a little shaky. Nobody wants a cancer diagnosis! I was almost giddy when the doctor told me there was no evidence of blood flow inside the cyst or of tissue inside; it had all the markings of a benign growth that he felt would go away on its own. Phew! For a brief moment, I had a glimpse of my mortality on this earth.
(it didn’t help matters that the kiosk lady at the mall tried to sell me anti-aging cream!)
It’s interesting that my daily Bible reading from YouVersion spoke explicitly about life and death, from Deuteronomy 30:
This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach.12 It is not kept in heaven, so distant that you must ask, `Who will go up to heaven and bring it down so we can hear it and obey?’13 It is not kept beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, `Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear it and obey?’14 No, the message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it.
15 “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster.16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.
The message is very close at hand. It is on my lips and in my heart. That’s a truth that most people (including me!) forget! God’s message is not trapped in a black hole somewhere out in space. The Holy Spirit brings it to my heart and to my lips, giving me the ump I need to get up and obey it, and to embrace those things that I cannot change. This verse gives me great comfort…that one day when I see my Lord, his promise that I will “live and multiply” will be complete, and the “mish mash” of my heart will be glued together again.
