You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2008.
Gavin will be 4 years old November 12th, and he is being treated for a brain tumor that spread to his spine. His parents just found out that their other little boy, Garrett, has something neurological wrong with him as well.
Please be on your knees in prayer for this family. You can read their story here.
I have a compulsion today to not just clean my house, but to disinfect it. Somehow the sight of mountains of used up tissues from my cold-laden daughter just inspires me to tell that mountain to MOVE. Strangely enough, it won’t just stand up and march to the trash can all by itself. I strategically place trash cans all over the house in areas where she is prone to be — coffee table, work table for homeschool, beside the bed. It doesn’t help that the dogs think all tissues are magical toys. One of them eats them whole, and the other one shreds them to bits. So it’s not just used tissues I’m dealing with around here. We have to put the tissue boxes up high so the big dog can’t reach them…otherwise he’ll just have himself a nice snack full of lots of fiber. Likewise with the trash cans. Currently I have one trash can on a coffee table, another one on the kitchen counter for the recycling, and another one sitting on top of the table in the homeschool room. (The cans in the bathrooms are all on top of the toilets…not that you were wanting to know that tidbit of info!)
I like everything that gets rid of germs. Antibacterial wipes. Antibacterial hand cleaner. Anything with bleach. Sprays, gels, foams…you name it, I like it. I have my eye on those toothbrush sanitizers that sanitize using UV light. When someone in the house has a cold, I go around wiping down the doorknobs, faucets, light switches, TV remotes, cordless phones, etc. Think I’m crazy? Tada! I’ve been vindicated! Some scientists at the University of Virginia did a study and found that people suffering from a cold leave a trail of contagious germs behind on items that they touch. Think door handles, refrigerator handle, remotes…even salt and pepper shakers! (tell me I’m crazy the next time I use hand sanitizer after handling the salt and pepper at a restaurant!!) The research showed that the germs were living on the surfaces up to 48 hours after the sickly ones touched them.
And that is why I shop at Kroger’s. They have a complimentary Clorox Wipe station so customers can wipe down their carts before they shop. It’s why I don’t take my child to restaurants, to gymnastics, to homeschool co-op, to piano lessons — basically anywhere — when she has a cold or other sickness because I know she is shedding those buggers everywhere. As much as I hate germs, I hate sharing them even more!
It’s also why I have never let my kid play with the toys in the doctor’s office. When she was a baby, I packed a bag of our toys. Now that she’s older, she plays with my phone. I know it’s probably dirty, but at least it’s OUR dirt, right?
Now, I know not everyone follows the same OCD path as me. When I was a teacher, parents brought their kids to school with fevers. They brought them in when they’d just been throwing up. They brought them in with lice, with impetigo, with strep throat, with rashes. I became an expert at checking for lice. (Sometimes the school nurse would go get sheets and then we would wash them at the school because the family did not know how to get rid of them or did not have the means to do so.) I taught my students to wash their hands before they ate, after going to the bathroom, after they cough, after they sneeze. I understand that most people are normal. They aren’t obsessive like me about the germ thing. Funny thing — I wasn’t always this way. I developed it when we had family over for Christmas one year and everyone got the flu except for the one person who had received the flu shot. The company was so sick (think: ER visits!) that they had to postpone flying home for an entire week. So I was sick as a dog and had a houseful of sick-as-a-dog relatives to take care of. I was purified by fire those two weeks, that’s for sure! Now I get my flu shot every year. And I’ve got my can of Lysol ready…
The other day I was in a restaurant and observed an employee leaving the bathroom without washing her hands. She told me, “I’ll wash them in the kitchen.” But of course she touched the door handle with her DIRTY hands as she left. So naturally I was vindicated in my habit of using a paper towel to open the door after washing my own hands…because there are buggers on the handle from people like her.
Isn’t he cute? ThinkGeek and other establishments sell these lovable microbes.
We were talking our daughter through her “miserableness” last night. God has designed our bodies in such a magnificent ways! We have a multi-layered defense system against germs, from the surface of our skin, to the temperature of our bodies, all the way down to the molecular level as we create virtual ARMIES inside ourselves to defeat those which don’t belong. Truly, we are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of the Almighty! From one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 139:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
One of my favorite movies of all time is My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I’m not Greek. I didn’t have a huge wedding, either. I looked on YouTube for a clip of the Windex scene but couldn’t find it. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. The bride wakes up with a huge zit right in the middle of her forehead on her wedding day. The aunts and female relatives say it’s a mosquito bite. Her dad takes one look at it and then reaches for his “cure-all” — Windex!
The reason I’m laughing so hard even now is that my own dad’s “cure-all” isn’t Windex…but it’s another household cleaner. It’s PineSol! I remember him using it to get rid of chiggers. It worked so well for him that I’m tempted to try the Windex thing on my zits to see if it works…remember, I like everything that cleans!
So even though I’m not Greek…I’m still a fruit!
It’s interesting how we Christians are called to live in this world, but apart from this world. Yet those of us in America are fortunate enough to get to have a say in our country’s governance. It presents an interesting dichotomy for me…as a Christian, I know my God is sovereign. I know that he already has this election “in the bag.” He doesn’t have to watch the news on November 4th to see the election returns because time is nothing to him. On the other hand, a part of me wants to “help” God out by telling people I know, whether through word of mouth, through email, or through this blog, the truth about the candidates’ ideologies.
I received an email from one of my best friends this morning. She reads Todd Wilson’s Familyman Ministries and wanted to pass on what he had to say about the upcoming election and homeschooling. Here is a part of his message:
Election time is where the homeschool rubber meets the road. Do we really believe God sets up kings and presidents and that “He’s got the whole world in His hands”. . .or do we show our children by our gloom and doom predictions that all we’ve taught them about God is a bunch of hooey (to use the Greek word)? To hear some Christians talk, you’d think that God steps down from His throne on November 4th.
Yes, God himself sets up kings (and presidents). In the case of our American nation where we cast votes for the candidate we believe will lead our nation in the right direction, God uses us to accomplish his purposes. When we go in the voting booth, it is He who directs our paths. And who can know the mind of God? Not the pollsters. Not the media. Not me.
If you, like me, are on the verge of gloom and doom today, here are some arrows from God’s word to pierce the very marrow of who you are. From Isaiah 40:
Who else has held the oceans in his hand?
Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers?Who else knows the weight of the earth
or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale?Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord?[c]
Who knows enough to give him advice or teach him?
Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice?
Does he need instruction about what is good?
Did someone teach him what is right
or show him the path of justice?No, for all the nations of the world
are but a drop in the bucket.They are nothing more than dust on the scales.
He picks up the whole earth as though it were a grain of sand…
The nations of the world are worth nothing to him.
In his eyes they count for less than nothing
mere emptiness and froth.
Haven’t you heard? Don’t you understand?
Are you deaf to the words of God—
the words he gave before the world began?
Are you so ignorant?
God sits above the circle of the earth.
The people below seem like grasshoppers to him!
He spreads out the heavens like a curtain
and makes his tent from them.
He judges the great people of the world
and brings them all to nothing.
They hardly get started, barely taking root,
when he blows on them and they wither.
The wind carries them off like chaff.
Who is my equal?” asks the Holy One.
Look up into the heavens.
Who created all the stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another,
calling each by its name.
Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
not a single one is missing.O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.“To whom will you compare me?
God sits above the circle of the earth. Nothing happens without his sovereign direction. Bring your cares about this election or about anything else to him…and then rest in his word and in his peace.
I spend a great deal of time glossing over hurts. I push them to the back burner of my heart. Life as a homeschool mom is crazy and busy enough to keep my mind occupied with the here and now. Math test? Check. Understanding direct objects? Check. Learning about forms of energy? Check.
But there is a hurt just beneath the surface, and there are times that it raises its scarred head and screams to be released. Often this hurt comes out in my dreams, as it did last night.
I dreamed a very vivid dream that I was having a baby. What I mean by that is not that I was just pregnant, but in my dream I was in a hospital room up on the table actually in labor. I experienced excruciating pain, and then, when the baby was born and placed in my arms, inexplicable joy filled my soul, and I felt complete. I nursed the baby in my dream…again, I experienced the tugging sensation of lactation. The love I felt for this child was overwhelming. I proudly showed her — the baby was a girl — to my husband and my daughter. I brought the baby home and bathed her and changed her diaper. We were settling into a routine when all of a sudden, in my dream, I realized that this couldn’t have really happened. The truth screamed out at me:
- I will never have another baby.
- I will never again experience the miracle of incubating life.
- There will never be another child created that is part of me and part of my husband.
The agony of this truth is compounded because it is a self-inflicted truth. Because of my past miscarriages, blood-clotting condition, difficult pregnancies, and extreme fear of throwing up, we made a medical decision that cannot be changed. I’ve lived and grieved with this decision for over a year now, but somehow it hasn’t gotten any easier.
When I step outside myself, I know that God is merciful and that he created me this way. He knows all about me and my anxieties. I think getting pregnant again — even if it had been possible — might have given me a nervous breakdown. It’s easy to talk and write about putting your faith in God, but it’s a much harder thing to actually follow through. I tried following that faith. I did get pregnant again, but again, I miscarried. It was too much. As I shed the blood of a little one, so early in its life, and felt wave after wave of cramping pain, it was as if a part of my soul bled out, too. I just didn’t have the courage to stand up to another crushing reality…to another bout of panic attacks brought on by severe nausea…to having my daughter have to watch me suffer. Many women keep trying, taking fertility drugs or progesterone or blood thinners…but I threw in the towel. I gave up.
For the most part, I’ve been okay with our decision….just not joyful. I avoid the baby aisle in the grocery stores. I avoid babies if I can. I tell myself that I am glad to be able to focus my love and attention on my only child…
Only to have my heart break when she asks why she doesn’t have any siblings. She has no one to share Christmas joy with…no one to fight over toys with…no one to be with her after we are long gone. I think I grieve about this as much as I do about anything else. I love my own brother fiercely. I love his children and his wife; she will never be an aunt. She will never be a sister-in-law. The pathetic thing is she looks at our dogs as her “siblings.” And now that the old one is entering his last days…the one who “taught” her how to crawl because he learned how to lie down just out of her reach…I fear for her. Many of my happiest childhood memories include antics with my brother…how he used to crawl into bed with me during thunderstorms because he was scared…how he cried at daycare for me, so they got me out of my class and let me help with the little ones…how I went to his baseball games and played on the playground while keeping an eye on the field, waiting for his turn at bat. How I cheered wildly when he hit a home run — his victory felt like my victory. How I cried and begged God to give ME the hearing loss and not him. My daughter has no brother or sister. She has no “built-in” cheering section apart from me and her dad.
And I feel like it’s all my fault. If I could have kept myself from panicking, perhaps I would not have miscarried. If I had been stronger, if I had forced myself to eat and drink more, perhaps I would not have miscarried. I sat in the hospital for eight hours on four different occasions receiving several bags of fluid because I was so dehydrated…not because of throwing up, but because I refused to drink. It was as if my throat wouldn’t work. If I had not been so afraid and had tried again sooner after the first miscarriage, perhaps we would have gotten pregnant again before the blood clotting condition arose.
I was so miserable in the second pregnancy — only seven weeks along — that I told the nurse I almost wished for a miscarriage. She shushed me and told me not to wish for such a thing…that wishing could make it come true. Five days later….I miscarried, even though my hormone levels were rising. That baby of mine would be seven years old, eight in January. Was the nurse right, and did I somehow cause my own baby’s death? Oh, Lord, let it not be so!
Adoption is a journey we could take. But my husband and I both have to be in agreement. At this point, neither of us is sure we want to take this path. We’ve been to a seminar. We’ve talked and prayed about it. What it comes down to, for him, is that he blames God — and himself — for our failure in growing our family. If God wanted us to have more children, he would have given them to us, he reasons. He blames himself (wrongly) for the miscarriage in my second pregnancy because he was very wrapped up in work those days. I’ve tried to tell him that it didn’t matter…he could have been home with me every single day and I still would have been miserable and depressed due to the severe and debilitating nausea. He tried to tempt me with all sorts of food. He made me slushes that I couldn’t drink and grilled cheese sandwiches that I couldn’t even look at, much less taste. For my part, I am thinking a new baby would upset the applecart. I am comfortable having one child. I am glad that we got rid of our car seat and high chair a long time ago.
And yet…I can still feel the baby in my dreams. I can smell her sweet baby scent and feel the weight of her head on my shoulder.
As I often do in my dreams when I realize they are wrong, I changed the dream around. All of a sudden this baby was a baby that we adopted. I distinctly remember the color of her eyes changed from blue to brown, and they were beautiful eyes.
So there are times that I still grieve. I miss my two babies who are with Jesus. I miss the ones that might have been created had I not given in to fear and made it medically impossible for our family to have them. I will never know what having a “little man” with my husband’s genes for mischief is like. We will not have a man to carry on my husband’s family name. I grieve for my husband who always wanted a big family, and when I am feeling blue, I wonder at God choosing a woman — a weakling like me — for such a strong man as he.
This truth hurts.
Today as my daughter sat eating her lunch, I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She’s getting to the age where hugs aren’t “all that.” I could tell she was a little annoyed, but I didn’t care. (Well, maybe I cared a little.) I hugged her and smelled her vanilla-scented shampoo and breathed in her still-little-girl scent with gratitude. How did I ever manage to help create such a beautiful, loving person? How did I ever manage to get through the pregnancy? I wish I could go back ten years in time and tell myself to S-L-O-W down. I wish I could go back and tell myself to grab hold of every moment because I wouldn’t get to have another.
Usually I try to make my entries uplifting. I just don’t have it in me today. The dream is so fresh in my mind, and tears are flowing as I write. I do hold on, however, to the truth — Jesus will never leave me or forsake me. I’m still grieving, but he’s catching my tears.
Psalm 56:
You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.”
-Jesus, in John 14
Didn’t I say it was so? A cold front blew through yesterday. In a matter of minutes, the temperature went from a balmy 79 degrees to a very cool 52 degrees. This front was all bluster and not much brawn…very little rainfall and not even a hint of thunder. But the sunset it left behind was spectacular, and I rested a moment in the sheer majesty of the Master’s paintbrush. Soaking in moments such as these is like applying balm to my soul.
It seems to me as if we are entering a new era in our history, an era marked by deception. It is tempting to shove my head under the covers and throw up my hands in dismay at the vast numbers of people in this country who believe handouts are the answer…who believe the government is their savior…who think nothing of stealing from the one who produces in order to give to the one who does not…who criticize Presidential candidates for their belief in God…who mock “evangelicals” as dumb, bitter hicks with no brains who “cling” to their guns and their religion…
…yet my Jesus said such things would happen. And he told me not to worry…he’s already overcome the world.
“If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you….I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 15 and 16)
He has overcome the world? What does that mean? The Greek word is nakeo, and it literally means to conquer…to emerge victorious. It also is used when a person emerges the victor in a court case. We already have the answer to the final proceedings — we know without a doubt that there is life after death, and this life comes from our belief in Jesus…that he is God’s son. We have testimony after testimony about his resurrection, and we have seen him give sight to the blind, restore hearing, feed thousands upon thousands, bring the dead back to life…surely our faith will sustain us through these times.
But it’s not enough to just be sustained in our faith. No, we are to have JOY. And we are to ask for what we want, in Jesus’ name. Just like the disciples of old, God wants to do mighty things for us.
I tell you the truth, you will ask the Father directly, and he will grant your request because you use my name. You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.”
How much more plain could it be? Jesus has given us the keys to the Kingdom. He has flung open the doors and the windows. It is our duty to not only vote, but to ASK THE FATHER DIRECTLY. Ask, using Jesus’ name, for the Father to heal our nation. Ask, using Jesus’ name, for the Father to stir up a revival the likes of which no one has seen before. Ask, using Jesus’ name, for the Father to have mercy on us for our sins of materialism and greed. Ask, using Jesus’ name, for the course of this country to not swing far to the left but towards the right. Ask, using Jesus’ name, for our leaders to be protected from the deception that curls and winds its way through the halls of Congress. Ask, using Jesus’ name, for the Father to circumvent the power of Obama’s money and the media so that the truth will be made known.
Ask these things and much more! Jesus tells us we WILL receive, and we WILL have abundant joy. In the face of our trials…in the face of government policies that prohibit prayers to our Father at public events, Jesus prayed for us — for you and me — for this very time and this very place — before he was arrested, (from John 17)
My prayer is not for the world, but for those you have given me, because they belong to you.
Holy Father, you have given me your name;[b] now protect them by the power of your name so that they will be united just as we are.
I told them many things while I was with them in this world so they would be filled with my joy.
I have given them your word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world.
I’m not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one.
Make them holy by your truth; teach them your word, which is truth. Just as you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world.
And I give myself as a holy sacrifice for them so they can be made holy by your truth.
“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me.
“May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.
We have no fear of the Dark Side, do we? Our Father has our backs. Take a moment to let Jesus’ prayer sink in deep. Those words are for YOU! He prayed for you personally over 2000 years ago. Nothing will ever change the love he has for you and for me. Not the economy. Not this election. Not the socialism creeping up to our doorsteps.
That truth just takes my breath away.











